just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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