i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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