some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
