He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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