i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
