So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
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