When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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