Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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