i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
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