I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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