My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
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If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
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There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize