ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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