dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
