Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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