you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
