Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
