when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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