god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
