So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
