Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
