I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
