I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
