Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
