We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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