the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
