Sorry, I don't speak sober.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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