But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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