Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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