I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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