Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
