Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
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