dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Randomize
