lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
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