My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Randomize
