I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
