i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
