You're my little dorito
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
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