i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
