so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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