Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
