You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
