look no pants
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
