She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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