I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
