Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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