I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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