Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Randomize
