capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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