Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
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