Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
