What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
