what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
