WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
