Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Randomize
