I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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