Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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