Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
