apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
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He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
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Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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