So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
